


He Came Knocking and Fucked Everything Up

by Wealthywetsunny



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Implied Relationship, Joseph shows up and ruins everything, New Relationship, Referenced Child Abuse, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27445312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wealthywetsunny/pseuds/Wealthywetsunny
Summary: John doesn’t have his life together, even if he's skilled enough to make everyone else believe he does. He’s hanging on by a thread.The last thing he needs right now is a stranger on his doorstep spouting religious nonsense that claims to know that John Duncan is really John Seed.
Relationships: John Seed/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

There’s the slam of the front door, making him jerk up where he’s leaning against the cool marble of the kitchen counter. He cocks his head to the side, listens close and hears the quick rush of bare feet slapping against the floor. When she turns the corner she has tears in her eyes. He tosses his journal to the side and rushes to her, opening his arms immediately. 

They meet halfway and she collapses into him. Her breathing is all funny, like she’s about to cry. 

“Darling, what’s wrong? Who was it?” He looks up, past where she’s got her head curled into his throat, towards where the front door is. 

There had been an insistent yet soft knocking that she had gone to answer. John hadn’t been busy per se, in fact he was laughably free, and those are rare moments meant to be savored, so Kate jumped to her feet and said she’d grab it. 

Now she’s crying in his arms. 

“Hmm? Do I need to call the cops?” It wouldn’t be the first time. He’s made enemies over the years. People who hate the law he had enforced and are willing to fuck with him despite the legal consequences he could pursue. 

And by extension of wanting to hurt him, people go after those closest to him. They’re few and far between, and Kate, well, she’s starting to mean a lot to him as of late, so it’s easy for a target to be planted on her back. 

She shakes her head and wraps her arms around him tighter. 

“D-don’t bother. Just some crazy person talking nonsense.”

John hums and rocks her back and forth. Carding his fingers through her fine hair. “It couldn’t have all been nonsense if it got you so worked up.” He pulls back gently, tipping her chin up with his fingers. “Hm? What did they say?” 

Her eyes narrow, anger clawing its way up her throat as she speaks next. “Some religious bullshit.”

“Jehovah's witnesses?” 

“No.” She shakes. Literally trembling like a frightened animal. “Just a guy. Alone. Said he had a mission from God and that he needed to find you.” Her nails scrape his back, has him gritting his teeth from the pain of sharp talons on old scars beneath his shirt. 

“He mentioned you by name, said that you two were family.” She searches his eyes, nibbling on her lower lip. 

“A quick google search and you can find my name quite easily.” 

She nods. Breathes out slowly through her nose. 

“They’d also know my parents are dead and that I don’t even know the rest of my family. My grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles, none of that. They were merely trying to scare you.”

“He said he had to talk to you.”

John’s lip twitches. He wishes she would’ve grabbed him, hauled him over by the door so he could give this stranger a piece of his mind for interrupting his night. 

“I told him you weren’t here right now and that he should leave, but he insisted that it was important. He couldn’t wait any longer. And he asked...he said that you’d answer to John Seed?” She peers up at him curiously. Nose wrinkling in that cute way of hers as her brows scrunch down. “I told him that he got it right the first time, it was Duncan, not Seed, and maybe he just has the wrong address but he just gave me this smile and said it was ‘Seed’. And that if you didn’t know what that meant then he’d come back tomorrow and the next day and the day after that until you saw him. That when you finally saw him you’d follow him  _ anywhere _ .” 

The fear is back now when she looks up at him. Tears leaking out again and catching on her lashes. He swipes his thumb on her cheek, brushing away the wetness. 

“Let’s go eat dinner, huh?” He gives her a squeeze. “Try and relax. We can order someplace, anywhere you’d like. You can stay the night.”

She sighs, slumping into him. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he tells her, and he really does mean it. She hasn’t a thing to be sorry for. But she’s...Kate. She’s the best person to walk into his life in a very long time and she’s always felt that he’s her responsibility to some extent. It’s a surprise then that he met her at one of his colleague’s parties, swarming with coke and strippers. 

He was bad off back then, still kind of is, and yet she hasn’t run. He got lucky, he’s under no delusion of anything else. Though someone else might say it’s divine intervention, that God sent him his very own guardian angel in the form of Kate. 

He kisses the crown of her head. Properly annoyed now. She may not be an angel, but she’s working on saving him. He won’t let some crazy stranger ruin the only good thing in his life by bringing up his past.

John let’s go of her, turning away to hide the softness in his eyes. He scratches the nape of his neck and fishes his phone out of his back pocket. “Pizza?” 

He starts dialing before she answers with a soft “yes,” already sounding more like herself. 

“You can take a shower if you’d like. You know where it is.” 

She nods and brushes by him. Fingers trailing across his shoulder blades in thanks. 

He watches her gait as she disappears down the hall and his heart flutters excitedly. She’ll sleep in his bed tonight, wearing his clothes that will smell like her for a day or so. She’ll wake up and use the toothbrush he bought for her after she stayed one hellish week as he came down from whatever mystery drugs he used at some party. 

She’s good for him. And so he should let go of the moment that just happened, after all, it upset her. Bringing it up would be terrible. But his mind is stuck on replay. He's had scares like this before, people who did too much digging and said they were someone they weren’t with the last name Seed. 

It only happened twice so far, this marks number three, but still...Those other two times he made extra sure they were lying before giving up. 

He didn’t get the chance to pursue this. It makes him feel nauseous, knowing that just maybe it was one of  _ them _ . But if that stranger had been telling the truth then he’ll be back. John will be able to discard this memory and he’ll go about his life once more. Things will be normal again. 

.0.

John’s at his office when his secretary buzzes for him. He’s with a client, is his impatient response, shooting a smile over to the older gentleman, Daniel he introduced himself as, sitting across from him. 

There’s a pregnant pause and John assumes the matter is settled, his finger pops off the receiving button of the phone and he plops back down in his seat. Fixing the lapels of his jacket as he gives another placating smile. 

The issue can wait. It can’t be  _ that  _ important. No family except for Kate to speak of (and she’d call his cell personally) and no top tier cases that the media is swarming at the moment, so it isn’t something that requires his attention. 

“...He says it’s urgent, Mr. Duncan. That he knows you.”

John sighs. Closing his eyes as he grabs the bridge of his nose. 

Daniel raises an eyebrow, offering his own smile. Though it shakes. John wouldn’t be surprised if he’s heard of John’s explosive history. “It’s fine, Mr. Duncan, we can reschedule.”

John’s smile is tight. He’d really rather not do that. He pushes down on the button to talk once more, lets his annoyance be heard as clearly as he can. “I’m with a client, Janalle.”

“I know, I’m so sorry—“ 

She gets cut off and a soft voice floats through the room. He strains to hear what they say but comes up short. 

“He says he’s looking for John Seed? What do you want me to do, Mr. Duncan?”

“I…” he looks up, tries to school his face into a mask when he locks eyes with Daniel. “Yes. Perhaps it would be better to reschedule. My apologies.” He stands up and shakes the man’s hand—grip strong just to match Daniel’s. “My secretary will be in touch with you.” He leans down to the phone muttering a soft “I’ll be out in a moment.” 

John sees Daniel out, pointedly ignoring the lingering figure standing in the lobby who must’ve called for him. In all honesty John doesn’t want to look up. He’s too scared. On the verge of throwing up just from the way his stomach is all twisted up into knots. 

“This way,” John says instead, motioning for the man to follow him. There’s the crack of feet close at his heels, a pace quicker than his own. More...nervous. If footsteps could be described in such a way. 

John lets the man enter first, nose tipping away at the smell of him. He catches sight of his dirty clothes too, of long, greasy hair that’s held together in a loose ponytail. 

Who the fuck is this guy? 

The people who come to him, looking to steal something from him and use him until he’s broken, well they certainly come from a certain place. Not exactly rich. A little dirty, sure, but dirty in the kind of way drug dealers are—not the way this man is. 

John shuts the door behind them with a quiet click. 

“And how may I help you?” John asks, not really looking up. He’s sort of done with these games. He wants to go home and sleep. 

“John.”

He flinches at the way this stranger says his voice. Too soft and caring. 

“Look at me, brother.”

John makes a wounded noise that turns into a snarl. “How dare you,” he starts, finally dragging his eyes up. And it’s…it’s…

Oh.

“Joe?” 

Joseph smiles a little. Head turning to the side slightly as he scratches nervously as his dirty jaw. He rubs his thumb and forefinger together—a tic he must not have dropped. 

John rushes forward. Pulls his brother into his arms with a shallow cry. He buries his head into Joseph’s neck, nuzzling into his skin as a whimper breaks free. It’s pathetic. 

A lot more is expected from John Duncan. 

But right now he doesn’t care. He lets his brother hold him close and stroke his back soothingly because  _ this is real. This is a dream come true.  _

“Joseph, I..I never thought I’d see you again,” he babbles, “where were you this whole time? Why’d you never come find me?” 

He feels Joseph flinch in his arms and suddenly his grip grows tighter. John can’t complain. He hasn’t been held by his brother since he was a toddler. 

“John.” Joseph pulls back slightly, a hand coming to rest on John’s shoulder. “Don’t think for a moment that I ever stopped thinking about you. I looked, really looked, but then I thought…” he shakes his head and frowns. 

“You thought…?” 

“That perhaps you had a better life than I did, that you were thriving and the last thing you needed was me to hold you back. I didn’t want to get in the way of your success.”

John...isn’t sure he can accept that. 

For now he has to, he can’t afford to push his brother away, but he’s really curious as to what changed Joseph’s mind. 

“You came to my house a few days ago.”

Joseph smiles a little. Stepping back. “And what a house it is.”

John nods, lip twitching. He can’t tell if Joseph is impressed by all that John’s accomplished or if he’s angry that John found some sort of happiness while Joseph is, well...where he’s at. 

“We should—I can leave now, clear my schedule for the day.”

“John that’s not necessary.”

He laughs, already grabbing his winter coat off the wall and taking his keys out of his desk. “It absolutely is, Joseph, I’m not letting you walk away after I just got you back.” He smiles, softer this time as he grabs Joseph’s wrist. “Now come on, let’s go home.”

It’s in the car that John finally finds the nerve to speak again. 

“You scared Kate.”

“Kate.” Joseph echos fondly, “that’s who that young woman was.” He peers at John from his position in the passenger seat. Looking so out of place in his ratty clothes. “What was she doing in your home so late at night?”

“She slept over.” He keeps his eyes on the road and swallows around the lump in his throat, feeling his cheeks rise with color. Would it be weird to confess his love to a brother he hasn’t seen since he was 7?

“Did you sleep with her?”

“I—Joseph what?!” 

“People around here have a lot to say about you.”

Oh.

Of course Joseph would find out about that. 

John sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “What do you know?”

Joseph doesn’t even look mildly uncomfortable as he starts listing off John’s sins. This occasion should be a time for joy, for them to be prattling on about what they’ve been doing for the past however many years. But Joseph is hounding him now. Saying how he’s  _ worried _ about the path John is going down. Like he’s known John for forever and not the 7 years they spent together as children. 

John’s quiet for the whole thing, focusing on getting them home, until Joseph prods at John’s bicep. 

“But it’s okay. We’re all sinners.”

“I don’t remember you being this religious.”

Joseph laughs. “You were so young, I bet you don’t remember much of anything.”

His hands tighten around the wheel. Jaw clenching behind his short beard. Joseph notices and immediately recoils. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“It’s fine.” He clears his throat and pulls into his driveway. Head craning up to stare up at the penthouse he’s called home for years now. Different from the Duncan’s, certainly different from what him and his brothers had—but Joseph’s right, he doesn’t recall much of those days. 

“So you found God?”

“I did. And he led me here. He allowed me to realize that you  _ do  _ need me. Even if I first thought otherwise.” 

John snorts softly. Eyes closing wearily. “Of course I need you, Joe. I’ve been needing you for a while.”

“So why didn’t you come looking?” 

He shifts, unbuckling himself as he squirms in his seat. He can’t get Joseph’s eyes off of him, he can’t go run and hide. He’s trapped. 

“I tried. I looked for Jacob too.” He swallows. Winces hard at the sound of his eldest brother's name on his tongue. “But you’re right, Joe, I don’t remember you two at all. I wouldn’t know what he looked like if I searched all day and night. Which I’ve done before.” 

“So how’d you know it was me?” 

John shoots a sardonic smile Joseph’s way. “Take off your shirt.” 

Joseph does so without asking why. Slowly undoing the buttons and slipping out of his shirt (John will have to buy him some new ones, something soft and warm). He exposes his skin, his scars from their past, and John holds back his tears. 

“Yeah. It’s you, Joe. Let’s go, before it gets cold.” 

The very next day Joseph mentions going out to find Jacob. He’s out of bed before the sun even has a chance to make an appearance, rousing John with a hand on his shoulder. 

John doesn’t want to. He won’t be of any help, they already had this conversation. 

“Can’t we focus on each other first?” It’s a selfish thing to ask, but right now Jacob isn’t  _ Jacob _ . He’s just an idea in John’s head. He isn’t anything tangible so it’s easier to ignore him. 

“I’m supposed to find both of you,” Joseph whispers softly. Bent half over John who’s still flopped in bed. “I need both my brothers for this.”

“For what?”

Joseph grunts and stands up, going to grab his discarded shirt off the floor. “I’ll tell you on the way.”

“On our way to where? Where are we going?” John finally sits up, rubbing his eyes. 7:00 am. Too fucking early. Especially on his day off. “Let me rephrase that: where are we going this early?”

“I’m not sure. But we need to start looking.” Joseph perches on the side of the bed, toying with the loose threads of the blanket. “I promise it’ll all make sense eventually. Everything is going according to plan, we’ll find Jacob, we have to.”

John nods. Rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. “Yeah...okay. We’ll go searching. I know where to start.” He ignores Joseph’s excited look (it turned into a dead end, he’s long past getting his hopes up), standing on unsteady feet to head off to the shower. 

Joseph grabs his arm. “Just get dressed and let’s go.”

John frowns, recoiling slightly because ew. No way. “Im sweaty and gross.” He shakes off Joseph’s hand easily. “I’m going to shower. You should too, I have another bathroom, down the hall from the kitchen.” 

Joseph nods and steps back, but John has a feeling he isn’t going to take his advice.

“I’m serious, Joe. Jacob won’t recognize you. Go and shave while you’re at it, you can borrow some of my clothes.”

Under the spray of hot water he feels a little more awake. The scents of his shampoo and soap bring about a normalcy he didn’t know he craved. But could anyone blame him? His brother is here. His actual blood bound brother in the flesh. No longer just a figment of his scattered memory. 

It hurts to think that he gave up hope, but it seems like for a while Joseph did too. And maybe Jacob. If he’s not dead. 

John cringes, curling in on himself, fingers stopping to rest on his biceps where he had been scrubbing madly. 

That’s not a pleasant thought. Jacob being gone forever. Never knowing what kind of man he grew up to be. John clenches his teeth, he had seen Jacob’s record. The jail time he served for the fire and all the shit that came there after.

Not too hard to track a Jacob Seed in the army. But after his discharge...John gave up. He saw the way Jacob’s record bloomed from there. The once decorated vet now put away for menial things. 

Public intoxication, trespassing, petty assault, shoplifting, and on like that until John had just walked away from his laptop. 

He hadn’t seen a blip on that radar in over ten years. 

Doesn’t Joseph understand? John  _ has _ searched. For both of them in fact. It’s not easy, but John has a proper excuse. They got lost in the shuffle of life, but John? He’s a lawyer, he’s a hotshot on the outskirts of Rome. People  _ know  _ him. He’s in the newspaper for one thing or another. His business card gets passed between hands. 

A google search would draw anyone near. 

Why didn’t his brothers look for him? Did they really think he had it better just because he got adopted? Like them coming back to him would somehow ruin everything?

John gets out of the shower when his skin can’t take the heat anymore.

Joseph is waiting for him in the kitchen. Wearing John’s loose gym pants and no shirt. He glances over his shoulder from where he’s scrounging around in the cupboards. 

“Are you hungry? I can make breakfast.” No, he can’t. Not really. He doesn’t cook much at all. But he’ll try for Joseph. 

“No. Just...looking. Trying to learn about my brother again.”

“We can talk.”

Joseph tips his head to the side. “People lie.”

Ouch. Okay. 

John is quiet. Fiddling with the watch on his wrist. He feels Joseph’s eyes on him. This shouldn’t be this awkward. Not with his sibling. 

He closes the drawer he had been going through and moves to sit down at the table. Motioning for John to do the same. 

“So where have you been, Joe?”

And Joseph tells him. No detail left to the imagination. It’s a normal life, probably about as normal as any of the Seeds could have expected. 

The odd jobs he picked up along the way are expected. Just a man trying to get by. Finding out he got fired from a number of those jobs...that made John interrupt. 

“What’d you do?”

“They just didn’t understand, John. I had a vision, I was only trying to show them the truth.” He shrugs. “They refused to listen.”

John frowns. “Right. You still haven’t told me about that. Kate said you were talking religion.”

Joseph smiles, eyes brightening up. He leaning in to grab John’s hand across the table, clasping them tightly within his own. 

“The world is going to end, John.” 

_ Oh. Uh, come again?  _

“God is going to cleanse the land. To get rid of all the corruption we’ve shed upon His earth. And we have to survive this Collapse, we need to save as many people as possible.” He squeezes John’s hand when he doesn’t respond. “I can’t do this without you, brother.”

John’s lip twitches. Religion is something he tried to push away after his time with the Duncan’s. He can’t stomach any of that bullshit. But here’s Joseph, saying they can save people with those same practices used to inflict horrors upon him, and John wants to laugh. 

Doesn’t Joseph know how much he despises his parents and their so called Christian beliefs? 

John wants to say all that, but there’s a beautiful spark in Joseph’s eyes that he doesn’t have the heart to crush. 

“Okay.”

“Okay? Just like that?”

He laughs, “Joe, you’re family. I’ve missed you.” His voice cracks and he looks away, pulling back to fold his hands in his lap. “I’ve been dreaming of the moment I’d find you. And now it’s finally coming true.” John stands up, smoothing out the soft red of his button up. “Now let's go find Jacob.”

They start with the homeless shelters in the area. Now why didn’t John think about that? Actually, no, scratch that. He knows why. Because there are about thirty in a twenty mile radius. He covered Rome, Lindale and even drove the full twenty miles to Calhoun. 

He never had much luck. 

But he feels lighter on his feet doing it with someone. It’s nice to have Joseph’s constant pleasant energy. Keeping his spirits up when after the sixth shelter John wants to take a break. 

Joseph says they’ll do a couple more, then stop for lunch. They owe it to their eldest brother to be thorough. And yet John feels relieved when they stop at a local diner. 

It gives him a chance to answer his phone. 

He left it on silent, intent on making up for lost time and actually finding Jacob. He still has a job to do though when he goes home, a life that needs to be taken care of even among Joseph’s insistence of the Collapse. 

The appointment with Daniel has been pushed back to next Thursday, he has a new client who’s gotten jammed up on a dispute about her new home, and Tim Garcia wants to make a dinner date to talk about the plea deal John offered his defendant a few days ago. 

And Kate called. Thirty eight minutes ago, with a text message to go along with it. 

_ Haven’t heard from you in a couple days.  _

_ Just checking in.  _

_ Call me?  _

She’s probably worried sick. Wondering if she’s going to find him lying in a pool of his own vomit or with his latest conquest and swimming in a sea of self hatred. Both of which have happened on numerous occasions. 

“Mind if I take a call?”

“Of course not. You’re a busy man.” 

John pauses, but dials anyway. He doesn’t like Joseph’s tone of voice. Almost like he...resents him? It can’t be anything personal. From the way Joseph’s been speaking it’s like he sees corruption in every man out there. In every corporation and business. 

It’s not like Joseph didn’t recognize his achievements. He had smiled so wide when he’d seen his degree from Harvard. But the point still stands—and Joseph’s not wrong. John’s not clean himself, and he knows quite a few of his colleagues who bend the rules and attend the same illegal parties that he does. 

Men worse than him. He still remembers going to a party a couple years ago, he had to be 23, too young to know any better but feeling wise beyond his years. The girls at that party were too young for him, he had to hold back a curse when one of them hopped on his lap. Straddling him as thin fingers went to thread through his hair. 

He left as soon as he could. Feeling sick and dirty. He hadn’t  _ done  _ anything, but the thought of what was going to happen to those girls still clouded his mind. Just the fact that one of them had touched him like she’s done it her whole life—

So yes, Joseph is right, isn’t he? Most people aren’t good and righteous like they claim to be, and it’s apparently Joseph’s taken it upon himself to show them how they can fix that. 

Kate picks up on the second ring. Sounding slightly out of breath. Like she had to run to get to her phone. 

“Johnny. Hey.”

“Hey.” 

“You sound...okay.” She laughs gently, and in the background he hears the creaking of her bed as she shifts her weight. “It’s your day off, uh...Are you home?”

“No. No, I’m out right now. Eating lunch with…” he pauses. Lips curling into a grin. “Someone I'd like you to meet actually.”

He can hear the smile on Kate’s face when she speaks next. 

“Oh yeah? You’ve got friends now?” 

He snorts. A stupid little joke that never fails to make John sour. He doesn’t have friends the same way that she does—they both know that. 

Under normal circumstances he’d throw a barb back at her but he’s too nervous. He needs to figure out how to tell her that he has two older brothers. 

Family he never once mentioned. 

He glances up at Joseph. “Yeah, I’ve got a friend. Come on over late tonight. Say...8:00 o’clock?” 

“I’ll be there. Dress nice, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Joseph speaks as soon as John hangs up. Leaning forward as he clears his throat. “That was Kate? Your...lady friend?”

John laughs out loud. “You make it sound so dirty. ‘Lady friend,’ who the hell says that?” 

Joseph frowns at him across the table. Fingers clenching tight on the table. 

“I like her, Joe.”

“Yes. I’d assume so. She’s very cute.”

John scrunches up his nose and grunts. Joseph needs to learn a thing or two about boundaries, and he better for the life of him not say some shit like that to her face.

The food comes moments later and John hopes the subject is dropped, but Joseph keeps on going. 

“Many of us are controlled by lust, it’s a crutch for some, but you can’t lean on it forever.”

“I’m not fucking her.” 

“Never said you were.”

John shakes his head. Unbelievable. “You didn’t have to. Christ, why do you keep bringing this up? Does my sex life really bother you  _ that _ much? As if you’re a damn virgin.” The food in front of him is momentarily forgotten, in fact he’s ready to get up and leave. Shove some money into Joseph’s hand to pay for the bill so he can take a walk around the block. Just to cool down before he snaps. 

“I’m not a virgin,” Joseph says easily, “I was married.”

“You—what? Joseph...when? Why didn’t you tell me this morning?”

“We have the rest of our lives, brother. We need to find Jacob.” 

John nods. But he’s stuck again. Thinking about his brother, married and domestic. Somewhat happy living his life as a normal functioning member of society. 

It sounds nice. 

John would’ve liked a life like that. 

He keeps quiet the rest of their meal. The air around them is tense and he feels like it’s all his fault—though realistically he knows it’s not. Not really. 

He wishes Kate were here. She’d hug him, Stroke his back without the perception of trying to get his clothes off, and she’d tell him that everything is going to be okay even if she doesn’t know anymore than he does. 

Joseph and Jacob would hold him when he was young. They’d rock him to sleep and kiss away his tears. But that was so long ago, he can’t expect Joseph to still be so touchy-feely. It’d probably be awkward. 

Whatever. He can live without that kind of comfort, in fact he can do better. Kate will be upset but he’s sure he can sneak out and go find some pretty girl to take him home and show him a good time. 

Joseph will ask questions but John doesn’t care. He’s already made up his mind. He'll do it later this week. He deserves it, things have been stressful. 

Seeing Kate helps, when it’s late at night and he’s feeling discouraged because their earlier search came up empty. He’s sitting by the window, nursing a glass of whiskey as Joseph broods. The man apparently doesn’t like alcohol either. 

“Reminds me of our father,” was all he whispered and John didn’t push the subject. 

It’s a relief then when the doorbell rings and Kate walks in. 

She stops short though. Pouting at him. “You’re not all dolled up.”

He snorts. Rolling his eyes as he glances at her then back out the window. “Should I be?”

“I said to look nice.”

He hums and beckons her near to sit with him on the loveseat. There’s hardly enough room for both of them, she’s half sitting on his lap. 

“I have a gift for you.”

“And it requires me to be dressed nicely?”

She cocks her head to the side, thinking hard. “Hmm, I guess not. But it’d add to the wow factor.”

He smiles and laughs, a hand coming up to hold her waist and squeeze it. The action gets the desired effect, has her squirming away because she’s the most ticklish person he’s ever met. 

“Come on,” he taps her hip, “show me.”

She nods and holds out a little tiny box he hadn't noticed before. “Close your eyes.”

“Kate—“

“Just for a second.”

He sighs. He’s tired. And tonight won’t be easy. He’s lying by omission now. Keeping Joseph a secret even when he’s in the next room. 

John closes his eyes anyhow. Sighing when she touches his jaw and tips his head back. She fiddles with the black stud in his ear, popping it out.

“Hey—“ his eyes shoot open, head shaking slightly, but she just clicks her tongue and covers his eyes up with her palm. She smells like bubblegum. 

“No peeking.”

He bats her hand away with a snort but complies anyway. 

A new earing takes place of the old one. She twists it fondly, and he hears the click of her phone. “Look.”

Eyes back open and he finds himself staring at himself through the camera on her phone. He tilts his head to the side to get a look and laughs. 

It’s a bird. One he recognizes from months ago—a picture she drew for him. She said it’d look pretty on his skin. 

“You’re really pushing for this whole tattoo thing,” he mumbles, grasping her wrist and kissing it. He does have space on his arm, he just might get it. “Thank you, my dear. It’s beautiful.” 

John pulls her in closer on his lap for a hug. Breathing her in with a wistful sigh. He casts a glance over her shoulder and goes rigid—Joseph is standing there. Frowning slightly at the sight they make. 

Joseph clears his throat loudly and the sound nearly knocks Kate off his lap. She turns around and leans away, back into John’s chest. 

“Uh—“

“I was going to explain.” John quickly says.!He slides her off him, standing with her. “Kate, this is my older brother, Joseph. You remember him?”

“The lunatic who was banging on your door late at night? Yeah. I remember him.”

John tells Kate...everything really. Even through the tears that fall from his lashes and the way his voice trembles. She holds him against her chest and shushes him. Glancing every now and again at where Joseph lingers. 

She won’t leave him. Even with his flaws. Even if he’s John Seed and John Duncan at the same time. 

“It’s okay, John. It’s fine.”

“You’re not mad?”

She huffs a laugh into his hair. “Should I be?”

“...I dunno. I lied to you. And it’s a lot to take in.”

She frowns, pulling back to look at him fully. She cups his cheeks and runs her thumbs around in circles, messaging his skin in a way that makes his muscles turn to jelly. 

“Is it though? Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

John is quiet for a little, biting hard on his bottom lip. Finally he whispers “sort of. But to be fair he hasn’t really told me either. We just…” he takes in a shuddering breath, “we need to find Jacob and then…” he looks off towards Joseph, “I guess everything will fall into place after that.”

.0.

Two more weeks. They’ve searched everywhere it feels like. 

John feels hopeless. Even more so than before Joseph walked into his life. 

Joseph told him more about his visions and the collapse—like that alone could keep him going—and as willing as John is to believe his older brother, it doesn’t seem like his dreams will happen anytime soon. 

He wants to go home. And so he does. He tells Joseph he’s tired, that he has work early in the morning and that he needs to go back. 

Joseph stays out, promises to call to check in on the phone John bought for him. It gives John enough time to go fuck around, to take the edge off. 

.0.

“Johnny. Oh god, baby, what did you do? What did you take?”

Someone smooths sweaty locks of hair away from his face. Makes it stick to his skin. Where is he? Who the fuck is touching him and calling him such sweet words? 

“Kate—“

“Shut up, Joseph. Shut the fuck up, okay? Why didn’t you call me? Why the fuck did you wait for me to come looking? Jesus Christ, he could die, for fucks sake.”

John whimpers. His whole body shaking apart. 

“Did you see what he took?”

“I’m afraid not.”

She scoffs. “Of course not. Fucking useless.”

John manages to open his eyes just a crack to the light and sees her face just inches from his own. His Kate. Always so adoring. Always there to catch him. He smiles a little, drifting away. 

“No, no you gotta stay awake, John. Come on, up and at ‘em. Gotta get to the bathroom, yeah?”

The whole world tilts and he nearly throws up right there. He tries to get his legs under him, used to this song and dance, it’s muscle memory. 

It’s...hours longer, early into the next morning, when he’s halfway sober. He’s lying in his bed, stripped down to his boxers to combat the sweat rising on his skin—Kate and Joseph are arguing. 

Well, no, Kate is doing most of the yelling. Joseph has a calm sort of rage about him that makes John sigh heavily. 

“He’s going cold turkey, now is a good time to start. I’ll let him come down and detox.”

“He has a job, Joseph. He can’t afford to be going through withdrawals.”

Something slams. A door. Or a fist colliding against a wall. John isn’t sure. 

“Did John say he wanted to do that? It has to be his decision.” 

“He’ll agree to it—“

“So you didn’t even tell him that you’re calling the shots in  _ his _ life now?” Suddenly Kate’s voice pitches lower, like she’s trying to be mindful about his recovery back into the land of the living. Sweet, but a little too late. “You’re bad for him, Joseph. You’re going to destroy him if you keep on like this.”

“Keep on like what? I just want my brother to be happy.”

“Bullshit. Where were you when he needed you most, huh? If you really cared. You’re just like all the other snakes who crawled into his life.”

John curls up further into his cocoon of blankets. He’s cold and hot at the same time. And starving. He tips his head down, angling his ear towards the door to listen to the sound of footsteps and the rise of voices again. 

“Kate, perhaps you’re just envious that you no longer have his undivided attention.”

Kate laughs sharply, closer to his room now. “Fuck you. Go sleep on the damn couch, I’m taking the guest room. I’m not leaving him with you alone.”

.0.

“We found Jacob.” 

It’s really all he can think of saying to fill the silence, even if it’s not necessary. Not with the dirty clothes strewn across the floor leading to the bathroom. 

John’s nose is still red from the cold and Joseph’s soft voice can be heard over the thrill of the shower—trying to tend to their brothers open wounds—which makes John shudder. 

He should be in an ER, he’s got untreated burns and a nasty scrape on his forearm from a rusty piece of lead piping. 

“Yeah?” Kate mumbles, coming up to hug him from behind. “And how do you feel?” 

He tips his head. Considering before he heaves in lungful of air. “Sad.”

Her breath tickles the back of his neck. “That’s not…” she shakes her head. “What’s wrong, Johnny?”

“Joseph wants to leave. He wants to move to Rome.”

Kate steps back. Her arms falling away instantly. He hears her breathing hitch. 

“That’s three hours away.”

“I know.”

“And you...want to leave?” 

Finally John turns around, meeting her gaze and feeling like he’s going to faint. “I don’t want to leave you, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

She tucks her thumbs in her pockets, looking off towards the ground as she nods. She’s quiet for a few heartbeats, collecting her thoughts. And for the first time since he’s known her, she’s at a loss for words. 

John wants to rush to her, assure her that he’ll pay her tenfold for all she’s done for him. One day he’ll show her that he really does like her. Not today. He can’t. 

Behind him the bathroom door creaks open. Kate rocks back on her heels and peeks up, curious to see just who Jacob is—who knows, maybe they’ll get along better than her and Joe. 

He tracks her reaction carefully, frowning when she gasps and curses. Turning away with a stifled laugh. 

“Oh my fucking—John give the man some clothes.”

John’s muscles go tight as he glances over his shoulder at his brothers. 

Joseph is carrying a bottle of medicine, some sort of cream they bought, scowling at Jacob’s retreating form. His  _ very naked  _ retreating form. 

“He’s not letting me help,” Joseph mutters, tossing the bottle down on John’s bed. “It’s just cream, Jacob, it’ll soothe your burns before you lose all your skin.”

Jacob just grunts. He hasn’t said more than a handful of words since they got him. Except Kate steals his attention away for a second as he pauses at his tattered duffel bag. 

He jerks his head in Kate’s direction. “Who the hell is she?”

John’s quiet, catching her eyes with an amused smile. She’s still half turned away, shielding her eyes. He’s not helping her here. 

“I, uh, a friend. Of John’s. Kate.” 

He nods. Barging past her, nearly sending her to the floor, to grab at a lone water bottle left on John’s dresser from that morning. He demolishes the thing, crumpling it up and tossing the empty bottle on the bed. 

“Jacob,” is his curt reply, and Kate just gives a slight nod. Eyes dipping down then back up quickly because he’s still naked. Her cheeks are a raging pink and she sticks out her hand. 

“Nice to meet you.”

Jacob stares at her hand like it’ll bite him. He does take it, eventually, after a horribly long silence. Giving it a single pump before dropping it like her skin burnt him. 

Kate tracks him, making an offended noise when he just goes to sit down on John's bed. 

“Fucking hell, is no one going to say anything—your fucking dick is out, Jesus Christ.”

Jacob raises an eyebrow. “Yeah? And?” 

“Of my fucking—“ she turns on her heel and grabs a towel, flinging it at him. Her face is even more red now, going all the way up to her ears. 

“Talk about modesty,” she mutters. 

Jacob snorts. “Modesty. Listen to you, little sheep, it’s just a dick. Grow up.”

Kate blinks at him. Gaze slowly shifting to John. Then back to Jacob. It’s the most they’ve all heard out of him and it hasn’t been the most positive. 

What happened to his brother?

Jacob sighs, battle won in his eyes, and drops his head to focus on his arms. He starts to pick at the scabs on his arms. 

It’s awkward. Painfully so. 

“Kate, perhaps you can go start dinner?”

She’s gone in an instant. Practically a puff of smoke trailing along at her heels. 

Joseph sits beside their brother. Keeping distance between them. “John?”

“Hm?” 

“Kate is good for you. She cares—“

“What’s your point?” He's not looking at Joseph, he doesn’t think he’d be able to right now. Too annoyed. Things aren’t going to plan. He’s gaining his family but at what cost? 

“It’s just that…” he peters off. Looking unsure. As if he’s scared John will bite his head off. Strange, to see his brother unsure and off his high horse. 

“Just what?”

Jacob manages to grab a piece of skin, gets his nails under it and  _ tugs  _ until blood pools free. He glances up momentarily at Jonn. “He’s saying don’t fuck it up.”

John smiles. Aims it at Joseph. “Sure, Joe. So glad to see that you care.”

Joseph’s brows furrow, “what’s with the sarcasm? Are you doubting whether or not I care?” 

John sighs and heads off towards the bathroom, returning with a first aid kit in hand. He crouches down and hands it off to Jacob—he isn’t too sure if his brother is up to being touched right now. 

“You just seem really intent on my supposed sins, is all, I didn’t expect it.”

John leaves before he can hear Joseph’s reply. He doesn’t think he’d like whatever his brother had to say. Fuck him. He doesn’t get to take Kate away from him. She’s different from the men and women he’s brought home in the past. 

He loves her. 

He loves his brothers too. 

He shouldn’t have to pick sides.

Though he might not have a choice. 


	2. Chapter 2

“This is stupid,” Kate mutters, wrapping her arms around herself. It’s not cold, John doesn’t think Georgia even has that capability, but she’s shivering all the same. Maybe trembling is a better word for it. 

She doesn’t like Joseph. Or what he preaches, but she likes John, and so she comes to every make shift sermon. Even if it’s just them and no one else. A loose tarp fluttering in the wind above them and a few metal folding chairs, rows of them in the off chance that someone else shows up. 

“I feel like we could rent someplace to do this. Or go to an actual church. This looks too sketchy.” 

John winds an arm around her shoulders, leaning his chin on her head. Watching his brother preach to no one with a smile on his face. “Renting someplace would defeat the point, we’re supposed to reach  _ everyone _ , not just city folks who wander upon a random building we buy out.” 

She snorts, but drops it. “You’re defensive today.”

“He’s my brother. He’s not hurting anyone. Just leave him be.” 

Kate squirms, fingers clenching on her lap. For a moment he thinks that she’s about to shove him away, but she just sighs and shakes her head. That’s fine. He can live with her being mildly annoyed with him for a couple hours. 

.0.

Kate is watching him, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. If she’s listening to what Joseph is lecturing about then she’s doing a good job at keeping her mouth shut. 

John is definitely listening. Joseph is talking to him after all. About sin. His sin, in particular, which is quite the list. Kate seems amused at least, when Joseph starts on about exposing sin and owning it. Maybe it’s the tone of his voice—trying to be authoritative when he looks so frail. 

Her smile drops when Joseph takes off his shirt. John doesn’t blink, he’s seen Joseph’s scars from their childhood, he has his own to match that Kate has definitely seen even if she doesn’t ask about them. He casts his eyes over to her, watching her expression, and he frowns at the absolute horror on her face.

He tracks her gaze, flickering along the lacerations across Joseph’s ribs and curling around his shoulder where he knows it only gets worse on his back—but Kate is focused on Joseph’s arm. 

What’s wrong with his arm? 

“Did you…” Kate swallows and shifts on her feet, “Joseph, what the fuck did you do?”

John gets up, crosses the room to grab Joseph’s arm and twists it towards him to get a better look. Hoping what he just saw it a trick of the light. 

No. It’s there. Greed. Written in jagged letters on his skin, all bloody and sliced freshly open. 

“Kate, get a first aid kit.” 

As soon as she’s gone John is wrangling his brother into a hug. “What happened?” He asks, words slightly muffled into Joseph’s neck.

“I exposed my sin, to God, to you and Jacob. I have to own it to let it go.” He pulls away to look John in the eyes. “Don’t you understand? I thought…” Joseph takes a deep breath and starts speaking softer. “You had told us about what the Duncans did to you. How they beat you senseless, worse than our father, and within that you said you learned a lesson.”

John’s mouth goes curiously dry. He casts a glance over his shoulder. Watching out for Kate.

“You haven’t told her,” Joseph says, filling in the blanks. 

“She’ll think I’m crazy.” And, to be fair, a part of him knows that something got knocked loose up inside his head at some point. He shouldn’t have taken anything away from the lashings and pain, but he had, for his own survival. It kept him going, to think that the Duncan’s really did care about saving his soul and so there must be a lesson in the madness. 

Why not the power of yes? 

It  _ had _ saved him. After that, the beatings slowed. His parents sent him to Harvard and gave him anything he wanted before they mysteriously kicked the bucket. Things changed, he was somewhat happy. A little free—because finally he could say yes to his shortcomings. 

Joseph’s right. He does understand. That’s the worse part, because he knows from someone on the outside looking in, they’d be petrified. 

“John, here!”

Kate hands him the first aid kit, half full, the same one she had used when he came limping to her apartment with a bloody lip and broken nose, given to him by a crazy man in court who thought he’d be able to get a swing in before the guards could stop him. 

Surprise: he fucking did. 

John’s closed up his own self inflicted wounds a number of times though, and so doing the same to Joseph is no different. 

“Did you…” he swallows, looks off towards Kate, “Joe did you want this to scar? It’s deep.”

“It’s meant to, yes.”

Kate blanches. She turns away, the back of her palm pressed to her mouth. She’s not judging, just not used to this level of debauchery. 

“Could you go check on, Jacob?” John asks sweetly, barely catching Kate’s choppy nod. “He's in the living room, putting on a movie, and I’m afraid he won’t know how to work the TV.”

“Y-yeah. I can do that.” 

John finishes wrapping Joseph’s arm, going over what not to do unless he wants the whole thing to get infected. Joseph nods throughout, idly rubbing over the gauze.

John turns to leave, brows pinched and heart rate spiking, and he hears Joseph whisper softly to him. 

“You should try it, John.”

.0.

John’s been thinking a lot lately. It’s Joseph’s fault, speaking to him late at night about all sorts of things when John has to stay up for work and Jacob can’t sleep at all. 

A week ago he brought up a very good point. One John has been trying hard to ignore. Ignorance is bliss and all that. 

Not this time though. Because Joseph is right, if he ignores this particular problem, he’ll lose her. 

If he doesn’t stop the reckless path he’s going down then Kate will leave him. The drugs have to stop—right fucking now—and so does the sex. He loves Kate, Joseph made him realize those feelings he tried to push down, and she won’t put up with him for much longer if he keeps sleeping around. 

He hasn’t told Kate this, didn’t give her any sort of warning or reason, which is why she’s crying. Holding him to her chest as his body shakes and he sweats and mutters terrible curses. 

“Withdrawals a bitch, huh, Johnny?”

He groans low in his chest. Eyes closing as he tucks his face into her stomach. She massages his scalp, fingers gently scrubbing his skin. She leans down and kisses his temple, tasting salt. 

“What can I do?” 

“J-Jake,” he stutters out, fingers clasping to try and throw the blankets off. “I want m-my brother. Please.” 

Kate’s resounding yell makes it sound like something is wrong, so John isn’t terribly surprised when Jacob comes running in seconds later, eyes darting around wildly and chest heaving. 

Jacob is by his side in an instant. A hand tipping his head around to get a better look at him, taking in his pale skin and bloodshot eyes. 

“You okay, kid?” 

John laughs shortly. Shaking still. “M’not a kid anymore, Jake.”

“Yeah you are.” Jacob slides into bed, nudging Kate to the side to take over. 

She mumbles a soft “he asked for you,” even if it’s not necessary. Jacob grunts anyway, at least shows that he heard her. And suddenly she feels like she’s invading this private moment, so she lays a kiss to John’s forehead and goes to leave. Casting one last glance at them as Jacob mumbles nonsense to keep John calm. 

It’s sweet. For the first time she’s glad John found his brothers. 

.0.

Kate isn’t smiling at all, she isn’t mad though, which he thought she would be. She’s just...thinking.

“Is it safe?”

John makes a confused noise. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“John…” she shakes her head and looks around. Off towards where their congregation is speaking to Jacob and Joseph. “The water is green.”

“It’s algae, darling, that’s all.” 

Her lips purse but she nods. She trusts him—and the thought hits him so hard and suddenly that he can’t help but smile. 

“Come on, just a quick dip.” He holds his hand out, breathing a sigh of relief when she takes it and allows him to lead her into the pond. It’s a shallow alcove, something they found a week ago when someone asked if Joseph would baptize them. 

More people came forward, said they’d be honored if Joseph would do so, but John wanted to take care of Kate personally. If she wanted to, of course. 

“I didn’t bring extra clothes,” she says a little too late. When they’re already knee deep in water and he’s ready to dunk her back. 

“We have blankets in the trunk of our pickup. And home isn’t too far. We’ll go as soon as you’re finished.”

John is gentle when he pushes her back. A hand on her sternum and planted in the center of her back to guide her down. He has to bend slightly, to get her down all the way and fully submerged, but he manages. He counts to five in his head before pulling her back up. Relishing in the way she clings to him with a shudder. 

He kisses her cheek, still smiling. “Thank you, Kate.”

.0.

Joseph cuts sloth into his chest. It hurts, John can’t help but pant and squirm even if he agreed to this. John isn’t too focused on the pain though, his mind is elsewhere, mostly on Kate. Trying to work through how he’s going to explain this without sounding off his rocker. 

She doesn’t have to believe—he’ll love her either way—but she does have to accept him. And that includes the pieces of his skin he’s carved into. 

He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts, worrying about Kate’s anger, that he doesn’t even consider Jacob’s.

Their eldest brother has been floating around the house like a ghost. Barely stepping out of the guest room unless he needs to use the bathroom. One of them usually has to remind him when to eat. He hasn’t seen much emotion out of Jacob, or any real personality, but that changes quickly when he steps into John’s bedroom and flips his shit. 

He nearly tackles Joseph—actually he does, fucking piledrives their brother and pins him to the ground. His hand holding the bloody knife is held down on the ground in a bruising grip until Jacob twists it a certain way and Joseph yelps.

John watches it with a sort of morbid curiosity, chest still tingling with pain. 

“Jacob, let him up.” 

His brother glares at him over his shoulder. Lips pulled back into a snarl. “First, Joe, now you? What the fuck are you guys doing?” 

“Jake—“

“You’re gonna cut somewhere you ought not to and bleed out.” 

John looks away. Fingers clenching into fists on his lap. “Then you do it for me.”

Jacob shakes his head, slowly easing off of Joseph. But he grabs the knife before Joseph can, cradling it, brushing along the sharp edge still coated in blood.

“I won’t hurt you,” Jacob croaks, cringing slightly, probably at the thought. “I can’t, Johnny.”

“I’m going to do it anyway. I’m just giving you the choice of helping.”

Jacob’s jaw goes tense under the freshly shaved scruff. “You’re a bastard.” But he stands and hovers over John anyway. Staring down at the forming word on his chest. The tip of the knife taps his skin. 

He sighs, adjusting his grip on the knife. “Okay. What are we writing?”

.0.

Kate said yes, that she’ll join the church, Eden’s Gate, officially now. He never brought it up before, even if she had been baptized, he was afraid to. But he bit the bullet, figured that he has to move forward at some point and ask what she wants to do. 

She said yes.

He’s still giddy, even hours later. He wants to celebrate with her, considers a hundred and one ways to do so that would destroy all the progress he’s made in the past couple of months. 

He breaks out a bottle of wine, drinks two glasses, and falls asleep with his head on her lap. 

.0.

The people in Rome, the vast majority of them, don’t fancy his family. Kate helps, she gives them placating smiles despite the dirty looks she gets in return. She makes the brothers look good. 

In the end it’s not enough. 

They still target Eden’s Gate, they throw wild accusations their way that even John can’t compete with. It’s when they claim that Jacob fucking killed someone, that the cops show up. 

They pack up and get ready to leave the next day. No reason to deal with that shit, it’ll just waste time. Even if that girl really did go missing, no way it was Jacob. Disturbed Veteran or not, his brother didn’t do it. 

He’s pushing things into a suitcase when he hears his bedroom door crash open. He assumes it’s one of his brothers, probably Jacob, asking more questions about just how they plan on going to the promised land of Montana that Joseph is dead set on. 

He doesn’t look up, just makes a halfhearted hum in his throat.

“John?”

It’s Kate. Sounding absolutely wrecked. 

His hands still, fingers twitching when he catches sight of her. 

She’s been crying. Her nose and cheeks are red, hair sticking up wildly. 

“John, were you going to leave without telling me?” A sob breaks through as she steps into his room on unsteady legs. “You were going to leave me alone?”

“Darling, baby no, no, of course not.” He rushes forward to grab her, to pull her into his chest and litter her face with kisses. “I would never leave you. Not in a million years.” He lets out a soft laugh, “it would take so much more to get rid of me.” He cups her cheeks, thumbs making circles on her skin. “You’re coming with, darling. As soon as I’m done here, we’re going to your apartment and you’re packing your bags. We leave tomorrow morning on a bus with the rest of the flock.”

Kate nods, eyeing him with such adoration and awe that he loses his breath for a moment. When had she fallen in love with him?

“Okay,” she whispers, “I’ll go.” 

John nuzzles into her throat. Lays a kiss there and mouths at her skin desperately. He mutters praise that gets muffled by her neck. His arms wrap around her middle and she reciprocates immediately. 

He loves her. Really, truly, does he love her. It sounds strange inside his head, impossible even, but she’s here in  _ his  _ arms. She chose him. And isn’t that something? He won’t ever let her go now that he’s got her, she’s in for a rude awakening if she thinks otherwise. 

But that doesn’t matter. He won’t think negative thoughts because right now she’s holding him, telling him that she’ll go anywhere with him. And that’s enough. 


End file.
